I’m not as good at Tinder as I think I am

So after Spouse and I initially split, I began dating Barista, with whom I’d become obsessed. More on him another day. It didn’t last, though. But I’m still crossing my fingers for a casual sexual relationship. Once we split, I finally joined Tinder. It took me a week or two to get up the courage to meet up with anyone. But I finally connected with Storyteller, it was a great first date that ended up with him staying over.

After such a great first Tinder experience, I was certain that I was good at Tinder. So the next night I matched with someone who also works in advocacy. He seemed cute enough and we messaged a while about politics and advocacy. We realized that his nonprofit is near my place and figuring I was on a lucky streak, I decided to do a wild thing and invite him over to spend the night and walk to work in the morning.

I give him my address and he says “one more thing before I come”. Fuck. What is he about to say to me? “I’m 5’6”” he says.

Well fuck. I don’t think this is a problem. I am 5’ 4”. So I tell him that and say, come anyway. Well, it turns out not only was he 5’6”, but he was dorky, neurotic and talkative 5’ 6”. But now I’ve invited this stranger who I do not want to get with to spend the night in my bed and walk to his job in the morning. Fuck. So we lay down in my bed. Oh yeah. One more thing, I had expressed a desire for him to read my poetry in bed. Which is something that Spouse sometimes does and Storyteller always does.

So he awkwardly pulls out his copy of Carl Sandburg collected poems and begins reading to me. After one poem he says “I am not going to sleep with my pants on” and I say “yeah, totally” while he awkwardly shimmies out of his jeans. I also asked him if he wanted some pot and he said “not unless you want me to get real paranoid”, which is funny. But wasn’t right in that moment.

Then, after dropping trou, dropping, breaking and then finally putting back together and plugging his phone in and getting back in my bed, I swiftly pretended to fall asleep. I do not fall asleep easily. So I was play sleeping, like a cartoon. Awk. Ward. Lesson learned. Not all Tinder dates are good.  And don’t ever invite a random to your house late at night. Because that’s insane.

I sort of just ignored him after that night. Sadly, I do wish to work with him and his nonprofit professionally. And also, I stole his Carl Sandburg collection.


Well, he just walked into the coffee shop I am working out of and I am fully pretending I do not recognize him. I do not respect myself right now.


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