Martina J here. Last month I wrote about jealousy, and meeting your metamours.
Well, it finally happened. My boyfriend Sphere finally introduced me to his other girlfriend, Blue. (He broke up with his third girlfriend, who I called Greek, before I was able to meet her.)
On Sunday Sphere and Blue went together to the weekly event in the park that we all frequent. I briefly thought about not going, since they were going together, but I refuse to deprive myself of seeing my friends and enjoying an event I went to before meeting Sphere just because he is there with his other girlfriend.
I admit it’s still strange, seeing my boyfriend spend time at and leave an event with someone else. It was very clear we were not to be hanging out there. He was with her. But I mostly wanted to hang out with my friends that day anyway; I felt satiated in the time my boyfriend and I had spent together in the days prior. So it was mostly fine.
Blue was friendly and easy to talk to. It was mostly small talk. And I see similarities in us, even during such a brief encounter. She was even wearing earrings I own. Yes, I can see why he likes her.
It was challenging for me, but went well. I’m glad to have overcome that hurdle, and I made sure to tell myself afterward that I am proud of myself for being brave, and for being willing to have experiences society does not prepare us for or readily accept.
It got a little trickier later this week. Sphere and Blue are having serious issues in their relationship. In fact, they don’t even have sex anymore. Sphere told me he was feeling very sad about a difficult conversation they had on Tuesday. I tried to offer comfort, a listening ear, and support. But when he mentioned Blue is supposed to join him in going to another city for a weeklong trip to visit his family, I immediately got triggered.
I thought he was going alone. Picturing him spending an entire week with her made me so sad and jealous and envious. I cried and cried.
And then I felt even worse because here I was, attempting to support Sphere during his difficult time, but then getting upset with the details and having him need to support me.
I felt badly about being incapable of creating space for him to talk about his other relationship in that moment. I want to be supportive of all aspects of his life, but polyamory is so new to me that I found myself dealing with new information that triggered me instead of being able to just listen and support him. Ugh.
I was upset for many hours, and the entirety of the next day. Usually I can sit with things and get over it in a few hours; not so this time. He asked what he could do to make me feel better. I told him I was, at the core, afraid he was going to decide he liked her better, and afraid he would want to spend more time with her, leaving me feeling scarcity and loneliness. I was also feeling inadequate and insignificant, because family time is special, and I felt like he was choosing her over me. I told him I needed positive affirmations.
He obliged. He looked me square in the eyes and said it isn’t about him liking her better. I am not insignificant. He wants to have lots of special time with me in the future. He is not going anywhere.
It made me feel better. I am going through a polyamory jealousy workbook, which helped me to unpack childhood and adulthood experiences I had that inform my jealousy today, and assess whether or not my feelings are actually logical.
But at the end of the day, the feelings are just there. I have to accept them and not try to fight it. All things pass.
I am feeling a little better, and I’ve contacted a counselor with many years of experience dealing with poly relationships and am going to have a few sessions with her. It can’t hurt.