Last night Feathers put me to bed by describing a walking tour of a park near his house. He's an arbor enthusiast and so he described the tress in the park in great detail; were his favorite and what they looked like, whether or not they were healthy, and how old they probably were. As someone with PTSD, the minutes just before falling asleep are some of the scariest. The darkness sets in and the fear of the nightmares you may face fill your mind. Most people with ptsd tell themselves elaborate stories during this time, imaging other worlds and experiences – I'm no different. At different times various lovers have read me poetry before bed, but Feathers taking me on a walking tour was the most peaceful way to drift off I've yet experienced.
We've been spending a lot of time together lately. Feathers and his primary partner split recently so he's just had more time for me. I don't know a lot about the specifics of the end of their relationship and I prefer it that way. He and I both agree it doesn't make sense for me to be his primary emotional support in that arena. He's definitely hurting though. They were together about 5 years and they do still care deeply for one another. Something I can relate to completely.
So although I'm sorry to see him hurting, our relationship has been able to grow deeper in the last few weeks and that has been beautiful.
When I'm with him, I laugh so much. At him, with him, at myself. It's sarcasm, but it's also deep wit, creativity and playfulness. But the laughing is at the absurdity of life. He, more than many, has a grasp of the way things can change quickly and the range of ways people can behave. I think it's this that allows me to be so honest with him. I truly never feel judged. In fact, if he read this blog, he would be unsurprised. And there are things I don't even dare share here that I have shared with him.
Early on in our relationship he expressed that it's difficult for him when people want to manufacture intimacy by sharing too much too soon, relying on physical intimacy, or the like. I'm very thankful for the pace that set in our relationship because now it seems that the trust and intimacy is starting to grow in an authentic way.
We are beginning to let one another further into each other's lives, meeting friends and all that. It's nice in that the ultimate goal is no longer necessarily monogamy and cohabitation and ultimate combination of lives. This is really allowing us to test out the ways in which we can and want to live in relation to one another and adjust as needed.
There have been a few catches and hard convos but not many. And not because there aren't differences or things but because above all, Feathers is a stellar communicator. Even if what he is communicating is that he's unavailable to communicate. There is consistency in the way we deal with one another and that is very calming. Not to say it's sameness, it's not. It changes and varies and looks different ways depending on each of us, but I never have to wonder if he still wants to spend time with me. And that didn't have to be a conversation. I expect there will be other things and there are ways in which I already anticipate we would not want to combine our lives. But I'm really and truly ok with that.
I feel lucky each time I get to spend time with him. The other evening he worked in his studio and I lounged there too, cross stitching and choosing music. It's these types of times that stand out to me in any relationship. The quiet times. The boring times. It isn't the nights out or the anniversaries. It's the nights in, just existing together. The time well spent in one another's company.
And each time I get a peak into the way his mind works with a joke about space and black holes or a little speech about an obscure author from the sixties, I want more. He's very similar to Spouse in this way. One difference being, he doesn't expect me to care about his far reaching interests and ability to retain information. It's a part of him, but not from where he draws his entire sense of self. This makes it easier to enjoy. I can also acknowledge that we have only been seeing one another for about 6 months and not all that many time each week or month, and so there is some NRE carrying us. But all the same, I would be lying if I didn't say: he's magic.