One night stands

Plural. I’ve had a few lately.

I’ve been trying to track down some things that I want. In life. In love. And I’m not a whole lot closer to knowing those things. But I am a little bit closer. For example, I learned I’m not really interested in one night stands.

I do like a fleeting experience or a thing that could never be. In fact, I invested quite a lot into what I called ‘travel boyfriends’ over the years when I’d travel.

But now, staying in one place, it isn’t very appealing. Particularly if non-monogamy is in play. Because, if it’s a good experience, I’d like to repeat it. And, if it’s a bad experience, then I guess that’s a one night stand? But why aim for bad experiences?

Last week I had two one-offs. The first was an older guy I met on Tinder, newly single after 7 years. Truly charming and sweet and I wanted to see him again. But later he said he wasn’t ready. I’m choosing to believe it. The second, a writer, a satirist that cycled to meet me and girlfriends late on a Saturday night. Funny, cute. I still want to see him again. But I think, for him, it was a one-night thing.

Le sigh.

It was a revelation really. The fact that I could be sexually empowered and actually that meant I could say yes & no.

What do I want?

 

*I wrote the following a few weeks ago, but didn’t feel satisfied with it, so didn’t publish. But, this isn’t a place for only finished products. So. Here it is.*

 

My therapist asked me a question last week and I feel shocked and kind of embarrassed that I had never asked it of myself. The question was: what do you want out of love and Spouse specifically.

I don’t have a full answer and I imagine it will be a moving target throughout my life. I desperately want to make lists and categories and check boxes, but only to soothe my fear of what is true: it’s a bit of a nebulous thing, subject to change and circumstance. So here it is today. What I want. We’ll save what I can offer in return for another post.

I want to have sex. I want to have a few men who love to have sex with me. I want both comfortable, satisfying sex and adventurous, wild sex. And I want all my sexual partners to be good communicators about what they want in bed.

I want emotional intimacy. I want men around me who share of themselves and with whom I can safely share. I want to lie in bed under my twinkle lights and stroke one another while we talk about love and risk and family.

I want to always be open to new things. I want to be receptive to each person and what they can show me. I want to try new things with new people for the hell of it.

I want someone to know me and me to know them, but never take that knowledge for granted.

I want someone to eat cookies in bed with and most nights, I want my bed all to myself.

I want a reliable partner. The kind that will drive you to get your tonsils out and cares for you for days.

I want to have men who challenge me and surprise me. I want men who never stop asking questions.

I want brilliant men who know when it’s annoying.

I want men who won’t let me push them around.

I want men who don’t need me but want me.

 

 

 

Sometimes you accidentally sext a total tool

Most people in my world have been super open to the idea of non-monogamy. They are adults with a nuanced view of relationships and love and sex and marriage. Well, I just got a reminder of how much this is not the norm.

Sometimes, when I have a free night and I want to get off, I will sext with a random. I’m really into dirty words and so this works for me. The other night I met this dude on Tinder and he didn’t immediately seem like a dudebro, he was cute and nice and down. So we got on snapchat and sexted. It was hot and fun.

Since my Tinder profile says I’m nonmonogamous, I sometimes get questions right away on what that means. So this dudebro knew I was married, dating and sometimes sexting. I have nothing to hide, so I told him all that. Then today, he comes at me on snapchat asking me why I’m married and why I don’t just get a divorce and why I don’t love my husband. YIKES YIKES YIKES!

This is the first time I’ve had such an intense reaction from someone. He was pissed that I don’t live with Spouse and that I was an adulterer. I’m like “YOU SEXTED ME TOO MOTHERFUCKER!”. What a fucking tool. This narrow-minded obsession with how relationships ought to be is super common, the norm, even.

He continued on asking me why I don’t just live with my husband instead of moving out and fucking guys on Tinder. He also told me that my marriage vows included fidelity. I was like “actually, we wrote our own vows and they didn’t say that” haha. WTF, though. I do not know why this person felt like they should attack me for my choices. Maybe it’s threatening to him somehow? I get that. I guess. But the vitriole, I do not get and do not accept. Jesus Fucking Christ.

I told him he was a dipshit and then blocked him. UGH. Lesson learned, be a little careful about who you talk to about this shit because you may get randomly verbally attacked by dudebros from Tinder.

Livin’ that low bar lyfe

I have expressed it before and I’ll say it again: I might be married to an idiot savant. He can explain in depth disease processes and philosophy theories, but he also recently asked me where one buys stamps….

I’m not sure how much of this is him and how much is society’s low expectations of men who achieve highly in certain realms. As I’ve told other friends these stories about my genius spouse missing the most common sense, basic life management principles, I’ve learned that he’s not the only one who can’t seem to get it together.

G told me:

“I’ve been to guys houses with dishes sitting in a dying rack and a load of towels in the washer and I’m like dayyyyuuuum!”

The first year Spouse and I were together during tax season he said “oh, taxes. Is that something I should be doing?” and I thought “oh you beautiful idiot. I will take care of you.” PUKE. In my defense, I was 22 and experiencing the equivalent of ecstasy in my veins from *LOVE*.

This year, tax season is coming up and Spouse has said he will do our taxes. We’ve talked endlessly about how I unfairly managed every aspect of our practical lives our whole marriage. So, the taxes would go a long way. But I am skeptical of his ability to manage it. We have a date tonight. If he manages to file our taxes today, I swear to god I will fuck his brains out. 

But. This is a low bar. Like, if my partner does something that everyone has to fucking do that I have been doing for us both for YEARS, I am going to be extremely impressed. Um. WHAT?

I’m not the only 20 something who has been partnered with a manchild and therefore lives that #lowbarlyfe.

G also said:

“Oh one time I went to this guy’s house and we were going hot tubbing and not only were his towels clean but they were folded in a cupboard. We fucked.”

How did our expectations of the men around us drop SO MUCH?

When I was dating Barista, he’d wake up before me and clean his kitchen and I’d be like “wow, he’s really got it together”. *eye roll*. I told my therapist this once she noted that I was living that #lowbarlyfe. It should not be impressive to us when men we date do the BARE MINIMUM of life management.

We should not get dripping panties when a guy says “I’ve got to go to the store to buy more body wash.” But alas, here we are. Looking for men who can do basic things like pay the rent on time and keep their spaces relatively clean.

L says:

“It’s very difficult to hook a guy with good hygiene and a design sense.

This may be the new feat for the modern woman.”

Agreed, L, agreed.

WTF is a dental dam: Or, how abstinence-only sex ed failed me

I am an adult. A sex positive adult. An open and progressive and educated adult. I have been sexually active to some extent since 2006. So how the fuck have I missed SO MUCH over the years in terms of sex education?

My first brush with misinformation causing me personal turmoil came at 14. I got pushed in a pool and ended up borrowing my boyfriend’s basketball shorts. I was wearing a thong and in my adolescent mind, I was sure I had gotten pregnant because he probably jacked off IN HIS SHORTS at some point and my thong left my vagina OPEN TO SEMEN.

After that, I figured a few things out. But still, at 19 I had another insane brush with misinformation about sex! I had full-on penetrative sex for the first time (not counting a one-time encounter with the biggest penis I’ve ever seen in high school). More on both of those another time. But, even though the guy didn’t cum – we were both halfway trying to be Mormon – I was SURE I was pregnant. Even though he didn’t cum and even though I was on birth control. I know that I could have been pregnant despite both, but those chances are TINY!

Anyway, the last few months I have been on something of a sexual rumspringa. And I thought I knew the basics about STIs and pregnancy and risk factors with different acts. Which is why I was shocked and mortified to find out how much I didn’t know when reading a book about non-monogamy.

Here’s what happened: Spouse and I decided to date again about a month ago and the intimacy we experienced in making that decision opened us up to have sex for the first time in almost a year. Before that happened, Spouse asked if I had used protection with other partners and I said yes. Because I had been using condoms with everyone but Barista, who had been tested before we had sex. Remember that Spouse is a doctor, so it was a practical and smart question. So we had condomless sex. Yay!

The next day, I read the chapter in my book about safer sex practices and was horrified to learn that dental dams are a thing! And a thing I maybe should have been using! I spent the next 24 hours doing a deep dive on sex-ed. I took my sexual health in my hands. I read up, set up an appointment for testing and started considering what my level of comfort for different risks really is.

Then I saw Spouse again. And I told him that I had not been practicing protected oral sex. He was really upset. In his mind, when he asked if I’d had protected sex, he was asking if I’d used a barrier for every single act. In my mind, it meant, did I use a condom for penis-in-vagina sex. Upon telling this story to friends, they agree with me, and knowing Spouse, they laugh at his perspective.

It’s not that we think protected oral sex is a joke. It’s not. But Spouse is a total dork. It’s one of the most endearing things about him. He’s an actual genius, but he can really miss some obvious things. And I was his first sexual partner. So, of course, he didn’t know that most people don’t use a dental dam or a condom for oral sex (though maybe more of us should). In his doctor mind, he thought “of course everyone uses all protective measures”. haha

Sweet angel.

We used a condom that night but haven’t had sex since. I told him I’d use protection with other partners in every way. And I intended to…

But after that conversation, I realized I’d like to renegotiate the oral sex thing. After talking to my NP and getting a clean bill of health STI wise (yay!), I’ve decided that if I’ve had a good talk with a partner on their history, that I don’t want to use a dental dam or a condom for oral sex. I haven’t told him this yet because we haven’t been physical again since and also, I’m a chicken shit and don’t want to have to say “no rubber between my pussy and a tongue, sorry Spouse”.

But alas, I gotta do it. Wish me luck?