Checking off my sexual wish list

About three years into my marriage, when the sex had all but stopped, I remember thinking “this is just what happens in a long term relationship”. Another few years of that and I couldn’t accept that as truth. I couldn’t accept is as my truth, anyway. So once Spouse and I finally separated and my months with Barista had come to a close, I began embarking on a something of a Rumspringa.

Beyond opening myself up to new romantic possibilities, like non monogamy, I opened up to new sexual possibilities. There were days where I felt like a 13-yr-old boy, the only thing on my mind was how, when and with whom I would secure my next orgasm.

I bought toys and branched out in the porn I watched. I sexted constantly, exchanging naughty words and (mostly) faceless sexy pics with randoms and people I knew alike. I found sexting to be an extremely exciting and also safe way to try new things. I let myself play with being submissive in bed this way, setting scenes of bondage and power play. I imagined multi-person experiences and public sex and other scenarios I knew I was unlikely to ever end up in.

I found that, for me, sex is a multi-person experience. I can masturbate to porn or a mental image, to be sure. But I so prefer to at least have another person on the other end of the phone. Just the idea that someone knows I’m touching myself and thinking of them is incredibly exciting to me.

In real life, I had a lot of firsts as well. I gave my first blow job to completion – yes, I was a 26-yr-old who had never given a blow job to completion – and literally spit the cum up on the dude’s shirt and laughed. Not my finest moment. I tried deep throating and loved it, gave a few foot jobs, also very fun. I experimented with anal play and learned I’m very into it and then had anal sex for the first time soon after! I participated in a handful of ffm threesomes, which are something of a favorite of mine. Had two mmf threesomes. Let myself be tied up a handful of times. Lots of spanking, a little light choking and lots of verbal power play. As it turns out, I am very into being called a “good girl”. I fucked older men, married men (only ones who were consensually open), men and women. All in all, there have been about 25 new people in my pants over the last 6 months.

My foray into the world of mellow kink culminated in an evening of double penetration, one dick in my pussy and one in my ass. LOVED IT.

But the strangest thing happened. I woke up the next morning feeling like I’d accomplished everything on my sexual wish list. I had been pursuing new and frequent sexual experiences in an almost manic way and all of the sudden, I felt ready to stop. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything I tried. In fact, I think I am likely to repeat most of it. But the fervency with which I chased those experiences left me about a month ago.

 

Rainy afternoon

Lately I’ve been doing a culling of my relationships. I have intentionally cut out fuck buddies who didn’t respect me. Spouse and I are over in that way, Storyteller decided to become monogamous with someone else and I even recently cut Barista out of my life, though that’s a longer story. I wanted to make space in my life for relationships with men who would respect me, and men with whom I could develop deeper connections.

So I still have a few pure friends with benefits relationships and am still seeing Feathers regularly, though the sexual relationship has really cooled lately. But what I really would like is one or a few slightly deeper connections as well. A man or men I see relatively often, with whom I can develop an emotional/romantic connection. But I’m also always looking for new and good casual sex friends.

Ad Man and I have chatted on and off on Bumble for several months now, but last weekend we decided to actually get together. He told me that while he was open to a relationship, he was really just looking for casual sex. I told him that I was really looking for a relationship, but that since I do non monogamy, I could always use another good fuck buddy so it was no problem either way. We agreed to just see how it went!

We met at 2 PM for coffee and ended up spending the next nine hours in his bed together. Not only was the sex amazing (I learned to give a foot job! Lol! More in another post), but we had an incredible time with one another in general. It was a rainy day and so we cracked the window and drank red wine in bed all afternoon while listening to the rain in the trees. We have a very similar sense of humor and just in the span of this first interaction the teasing and laughing and cuddling felt very natural.

I completely lost track of time and honestly didn’t want to leave his house at the end of the night, but I had to get home to S.

We had so much sex, I came three time and he came 6! In one instance, he came twice back to back, which I didn’t realize can even happen to dudes. And neither did he! He joked that this is like “call your doctor if your erection lasts this long” situation and that he hadn’t even jacked off this much in a day as a teenager. He really prioritized my pleasure and wanted to be sure I was getting everything I needed and more. I might be more into foot stuff than I realized.

Beyond the sex, I’m not sure what else took up all that time. There was a lot of laughter and snuggling and talking. At one time he picked up his banjo and danced around singing me songs along with Alexa, who we yelled at all afternoon. Then he sang and played Jason Isbell while I lounged in bed in the silky burnt orange nighty I’d brought along just in case. He cried when I told him about the dog I adopted at 11 who only lived until 13 and laughed when I told him my girlfriends have been trolling the 45+ crowd on Tinder with a fake profile of Topanga from Boy Meets World.

It just all felt rather magical and shielded and I’m still a bit starry eyed from it, 5 days later.

By the end of the night, we both expressed that although the pretense of meeting was casual sex, we were maybe feeling more and wanted to spend more time together. We shall see.

What do I want?

 

*I wrote the following a few weeks ago, but didn’t feel satisfied with it, so didn’t publish. But, this isn’t a place for only finished products. So. Here it is.*

 

My therapist asked me a question last week and I feel shocked and kind of embarrassed that I had never asked it of myself. The question was: what do you want out of love and Spouse specifically.

I don’t have a full answer and I imagine it will be a moving target throughout my life. I desperately want to make lists and categories and check boxes, but only to soothe my fear of what is true: it’s a bit of a nebulous thing, subject to change and circumstance. So here it is today. What I want. We’ll save what I can offer in return for another post.

I want to have sex. I want to have a few men who love to have sex with me. I want both comfortable, satisfying sex and adventurous, wild sex. And I want all my sexual partners to be good communicators about what they want in bed.

I want emotional intimacy. I want men around me who share of themselves and with whom I can safely share. I want to lie in bed under my twinkle lights and stroke one another while we talk about love and risk and family.

I want to always be open to new things. I want to be receptive to each person and what they can show me. I want to try new things with new people for the hell of it.

I want someone to know me and me to know them, but never take that knowledge for granted.

I want someone to eat cookies in bed with and most nights, I want my bed all to myself.

I want a reliable partner. The kind that will drive you to get your tonsils out and cares for you for days.

I want to have men who challenge me and surprise me. I want men who never stop asking questions.

I want brilliant men who know when it’s annoying.

I want men who won’t let me push them around.

I want men who don’t need me but want me.