I live somewhere new

I moved out. It just made the most sense. And I found a good situation. My new roommate doesn’t need me to pay rent but wants to save in order to travel more (she’s Polish and her partner is Italian, living in Amsterdam). The place is very cute in a nice neighborhood. We even have a fireplace. S is here with me too.

Folks keep asking me if it feels weird not to live with Spouse. Yes, it does. But it also feels pretty good. The past few years Spouse has felt more like my best friend and irresponsible roommate than a partner. So while I miss him, it’s nice not to have to worry about living with him. I had forgotten what it was like to live with a considerate person. My roommate and I check-in on the basics, when will you be home, want to watch Westworld tonight and can you bring in my packages. Plus, she cleans up after herself.

So some days I feel happy and relieved and even excited about the prospect of regaining my independence. Other days, like today, I am not so optimistic. I’ve begun listening to Christmas music and it’s making me sad. I don’t have enough money to visit family and the way it worked out with my lease, I need to be out of my new place for 10 days over Christmas and New Years for pre-planned visitors. So I’ll be based out of Spouse and my apartment, where S will stay and I’ll be couch surfing between friends.

It just sucks to feel uprooted. Plus, I’m in quite a lot of physical pain as well today so that’s not helping. It’s hard to differentiate my physical and emotional pain because they are so intertwined. I’m going to lay down a while now.

I don’t want any of this

*originally posted 12/13/16

How did this happen? How did I end up 26 and unhappily married?

Spouse came by tonight to talk logistics. He moved out a few weeks ago, but just into his cousin’s place. It’s not a long term solution for this time apart.

The fact is we’re stuck in our lease until next August and neither of us can afford it alone. So we need to decide who will live here and who will live elsewhere. Whoever lives elsewhere will need to live with roommates and in considerably less nice circumstances.

In some ways it makes sense for him to live elsewhere; he’s the one who took this marriage for granted and never did anything for us. So he deserves the discomfort and the work of moving and dealing with the commute. In some ways it makes more sense for me to move out. I can work from anywhere and I’m the one who asked for this separation in the first place.

There are silly considerations, like all the nice things we bought together that one of us won’t get to enjoy. But that doesn’t feel silly really. I put him through medical school. I worked so hard so that he could get here and now I have to move into a shitty apartment and keep paying for him to live here? He’s never even home.

But the bigger and more pressing consideration is what this all means for our future. The idea for a separation is to not have to make these decisions right now, but these logistics are forcing our hand. If I move out, aren’t I giving up on our relationship? Isn’t that like me saying I’m ready to move on and make a life for myself elsewhere? I know it may come to that, but I’m not there yet. I don’t want to move on.

But I’m also not ready to reconcile. As convenient as it would be to just start working things out now and working together towards a better marriage, I’m just not there. I’m too hurt. I’m too mad. And I’m still unconvinced that we even can reconcile. The problems we have are very real and whether or not we can get past them enough to find a happy marriage is yet to be seen.

I’m worried the discomfort of this time will force us to do something that we’ll regret.

Strong Woman

*originally published 12/1/16

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I felt that strong woman feeling. The feeling you get when you look great, you own your choices and your future and you *know* you’re going to be OK.

I had coffee with a dear friend who lives in another city yesterday and talking to her I just felt empowered. She is a badass and chasing her dreams and it reminded me that I could do the same. I could own my choices, my lifestyle, my sex life. I could choose it all. This friend is also an incredibly talented photographer, so she took my portrait and the results have had me riding high.

I had been telling myself a story about my life.  I had talked myself into settling. I had told myself that all the things that bothered me about my life and my marriage were just par for the course. But about a month ago something just snapped in me. Enough was enough. I was extremely unhappy and something had to change.

Well, things have changed. The way I feel about it changes day to day. But I’m on the up and up. I get to design my life. And I get to do it in red lipstick if I want to.