The Juggler

My newest Tinder adventure is one for the books. I have to admit I really love an odd ball man. I lovingly call these men my weirdos, and I’ve been seeing a new one. Though this person identifies as gender queer so I’ll do my best with neutral pronouns.

We met many months ago, just weeks after Spouse and I split. They are a professional juggler and I saw them perform in a circus show. Afterwards, I tried to awkwardly hit on them. I told them their performance really spoke to me or something equally embarrassing. Which is true, their performer persona (and it turns out their real persona) is adorably bashful and I was real into it. They brushed that off with a “yeah, sometimes audience members get really into performers”.

Then we matched on Tinder recently and decided to meet up. They don’t remember me hitting on the, after the show ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Since I already knew them, we decided to just meet at mine (but not before having hot phone sex the night before). When they arrived, we sat on the couch, drinking kombucha and polishing our nails. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, we were sitting on the couch facing one another and The Juggler closed their eyes and took my hands in theirs. Then they began tickling my arms with this look on their face just like they were exploring, trying to sense me without using sight.

I kept mine open and looked at them like “what is happening?”. But, I didn’t pull away because truthfully I was enamored with the whole thing. They didn’t say much, just kept feeling my arms and eventually my back, by which time I was getting really turned on.

Eventually we made it into my bedroom where we spent about three hours exploring one another. Let me just say: The Juggler knows how to use their hands. I think they may be the most intuitive lover I’ve ever been with. I typically have trouble letting a new partner make me cum. I can get myself there by leading the charge or using a toy, but to trust another person to do that is tough. But they got me to the edge of that about 5 separate times, in many different ways, but each time I’d get in my head at the end and would lose it. We talked after and they said they felt they could read me until that last moment.

They also know themselves very well sexually. They’re a decade older than me and has been non mono most of their adult life, with a variety of lovers. All that experience and openness shows; they are very well attuned to another person’s needs. This is the kind of lover I aspire to be.

But back to the actual event.. after all these hours of fun, I finally asked him to cum on my chest, a particular fondness for me as I think I have great tits. BUT THEN. THE CRAZIEST THING HAPPENED. HE LICKED UP SOME OF HIS OWN CUM AND SAID “Huh, it tastes funny today”!!!!

Keep in mind that I have been doing threesomes like it’s my job and even was double penetrated very recently. But this. This was a real shocker! I honestly could not keep my face neutral. I mean. It’s ok. Like, people eat cum all the time. I’ve just never seen a person eat their own, let alone know what it should taste like normally!

I should also say that as sexually adventurous as I’ve become, I still do not let people cum in my mouth. It’s something I’d like to get used to, but need to be motivated by love or something probably. Barista came in my mouth once (it was the first time anyone had) and I spit it out on his shirt and started laughing. We broke up that night. Longer story. Just to say, I am not a fan of semen in my mouth. So the idea that someone would willingly and without anyone asking them to, eat their own cum. Yikes. Intellectually I don’t have a problem with this and I have fucked them three times since. But boy was I surprised!

Unfortunately they is not terribly good at conversation or asking questions. It seems like they doesn’t care all that much about getting to know me. But then again, they did come stay over during my health episode and was very sweet. They did my dishes and everything. It’s hard to tell if the reason they don’t ask questions is because they’re really caught up in himself in an egotistical way or if they just likes to get to know someone more by spending time with them. I’m not so worried about it.

 

One night stands

Plural. I’ve had a few lately.

I’ve been trying to track down some things that I want. In life. In love. And I’m not a whole lot closer to knowing those things. But I am a little bit closer. For example, I learned I’m not really interested in one night stands.

I do like a fleeting experience or a thing that could never be. In fact, I invested quite a lot into what I called ‘travel boyfriends’ over the years when I’d travel.

But now, staying in one place, it isn’t very appealing. Particularly if non-monogamy is in play. Because, if it’s a good experience, I’d like to repeat it. And, if it’s a bad experience, then I guess that’s a one night stand? But why aim for bad experiences?

Last week I had two one-offs. The first was an older guy I met on Tinder, newly single after 7 years. Truly charming and sweet and I wanted to see him again. But later he said he wasn’t ready. I’m choosing to believe it. The second, a writer, a satirist that cycled to meet me and girlfriends late on a Saturday night. Funny, cute. I still want to see him again. But I think, for him, it was a one-night thing.

Le sigh.

It was a revelation really. The fact that I could be sexually empowered and actually that meant I could say yes & no.

Sometimes you accidentally sext a total tool

Most people in my world have been super open to the idea of non-monogamy. They are adults with a nuanced view of relationships and love and sex and marriage. Well, I just got a reminder of how much this is not the norm.

Sometimes, when I have a free night and I want to get off, I will sext with a random. I’m really into dirty words and so this works for me. The other night I met this dude on Tinder and he didn’t immediately seem like a dudebro, he was cute and nice and down. So we got on snapchat and sexted. It was hot and fun.

Since my Tinder profile says I’m nonmonogamous, I sometimes get questions right away on what that means. So this dudebro knew I was married, dating and sometimes sexting. I have nothing to hide, so I told him all that. Then today, he comes at me on snapchat asking me why I’m married and why I don’t just get a divorce and why I don’t love my husband. YIKES YIKES YIKES!

This is the first time I’ve had such an intense reaction from someone. He was pissed that I don’t live with Spouse and that I was an adulterer. I’m like “YOU SEXTED ME TOO MOTHERFUCKER!”. What a fucking tool. This narrow-minded obsession with how relationships ought to be is super common, the norm, even.

He continued on asking me why I don’t just live with my husband instead of moving out and fucking guys on Tinder. He also told me that my marriage vows included fidelity. I was like “actually, we wrote our own vows and they didn’t say that” haha. WTF, though. I do not know why this person felt like they should attack me for my choices. Maybe it’s threatening to him somehow? I get that. I guess. But the vitriole, I do not get and do not accept. Jesus Fucking Christ.

I told him he was a dipshit and then blocked him. UGH. Lesson learned, be a little careful about who you talk to about this shit because you may get randomly verbally attacked by dudebros from Tinder.

My first twinge of jealousy (i think?)

As I tell people (mostly just very close friends) about my decision to try non-monogamy, the first question or comment they usually have is about jealousy. It’s a huge thing that one must sort through and deal with in order to truly live like this with the least amount of damage to all involved.

Usually, the question is about Spouse: will I feel jealous if he starts dating? It’s hard to answer since it hasn’t happened. Right now, I think I’d be really happy for him. He needs to have some experiences, sexual and social, to figure himself out. But I don’t really know. Maybe I’d really fucking hate it. I guess we’ll see.

But over the last few days, I had a twinge of jealousy in another, very bizarre, place. With Filmmaker! You know, the married guy I went out with a few times and had a great time and then he and his spouse realized they rushed into opening up and needed to do a bit more prep.

Well, even though Chi-town is huge, a friend of a friend matched with him on Tinder and has been texting with him. We realized it because his job is so unique. But hearing that he was still chatting with another girl made me worried that the reason he wants to just be friends does not actually have to do with him and his wife, but is simply he doesn’t want to see me romantically. He hasn’t met up with this other person and whether or not he does is not actually of interest or importance to me, unless he felt he had to pin the change on his marriage when it was actually just me. I can handle either reason, but it makes me feel bad if he felt he couldn’t be straight with me.

Ugh. I hate that I even spent the time to write that paragraph. But alas, I had a feeling, and I needed to sort it. One thing everyone seems to advise in entering nonmonogamy is that feelings will come up that don’t logically make sense to you. You need to feel them and sort them or they’ll turn into nasty and disproportionate problems.

So here is what I have learned and am feeling about this unanticipated reaction:

  1. Whatever his true reasoning for changing his mind on what he wanted for our relationship, it isn’t really my business in this instance and I can respect it. We went out exactly two times. hahaha
  2. I am actually OK with just being friends. Like, I truly feel OK about that. I enjoy his presence beyond the physical and romantic aspects and feel I can glean some insight into Spouse and people in general by talking with him.
  3. I am not immune to jealousy but am able to sort through it.

Yikes. I promised  I would be honest on this blog. So there it is. I had a bizarre feeling that I didn’t like. But I feel better now just having admitted it. More on jealousy and insecurity soon.

 

 

Rolling the Tinder dice in a new city

I’m in the South now on a business trip and I decided to roll the Tinder dice and see what happened. I spent about an hour swiping yesterday and got a handful of interesting matches. Because my profile mentions nonmonogamy and I am a relatively attractive woman, I do pretty well for myself on dating apps. I think people read that as “dtf”. Which, sometimes, I am.

Anyway, decided to meet up with one of the dudes last night. I had been drinking and we flirty texted. He invited me to adult bingo at a bar, I told him there’s no Lyft here and I can’t remember my Uber password. So he came to meet me in front of my hotel. It’s warm here, so we sat on some steps in front of a chain-type yoga studio.

He was very cute and we definitely hit it off physically.. but, his name was the same as Spouse’s. And, he was my size (5’4″). And I felt like I needed someone who could pick me up and really fuck me. Also, someone that didn’t make me think of Spouse. So, we made out like teenagers in the street. It definitely made me think I could get into semi-public sex.

So, we made out like teenagers in the street. It definitely made me think I could get into semi-public sex. We felt each other up a bit and in between all that we chatted about mindfulness and Dan Savage. He’s a furniture designer from NYC, here on a job. He had candy in his pockets. All in all, a very nice hour or so before I retreated to my room.

We ended up finishing up the night with a very graphic (and including graphics) sexting session. I am a big fan of this kind of thing. The sick part, though, is that this person has the same name as Spouse. So as I’m receiving messages, I’m partway tricking myself into believing I’m having a sexy exchanged with him. I don’t know what to make of that, but I don’t want to think too hard about it. Back to Chicago tomorrow.