*I wrote the following a few weeks ago, but didn’t feel satisfied with it, so didn’t publish. But, this isn’t a place for only finished products. So. Here it is.*
My therapist asked me a question last week and I feel shocked and kind of embarrassed that I had never asked it of myself. The question was: what do you want out of love and Spouse specifically.
I don’t have a full answer and I imagine it will be a moving target throughout my life. I desperately want to make lists and categories and check boxes, but only to soothe my fear of what is true: it’s a bit of a nebulous thing, subject to change and circumstance. So here it is today. What I want. We’ll save what I can offer in return for another post.
I want to have sex. I want to have a few men who love to have sex with me. I want both comfortable, satisfying sex and adventurous, wild sex. And I want all my sexual partners to be good communicators about what they want in bed.
I want emotional intimacy. I want men around me who share of themselves and with whom I can safely share. I want to lie in bed under my twinkle lights and stroke one another while we talk about love and risk and family.
I want to always be open to new things. I want to be receptive to each person and what they can show me. I want to try new things with new people for the hell of it.
I want someone to know me and me to know them, but never take that knowledge for granted.
I want someone to eat cookies in bed with and most nights, I want my bed all to myself.
I want a reliable partner. The kind that will drive you to get your tonsils out and cares for you for days.
I want to have men who challenge me and surprise me. I want men who never stop asking questions.
I want brilliant men who know when it’s annoying.
I want men who won’t let me push them around.
I want men who don’t need me but want me.