I don’t want any of this

*originally posted 12/13/16

How did this happen? How did I end up 26 and unhappily married?

Spouse came by tonight to talk logistics. He moved out a few weeks ago, but just into his cousin’s place. It’s not a long term solution for this time apart.

The fact is we’re stuck in our lease until next August and neither of us can afford it alone. So we need to decide who will live here and who will live elsewhere. Whoever lives elsewhere will need to live with roommates and in considerably less nice circumstances.

In some ways it makes sense for him to live elsewhere; he’s the one who took this marriage for granted and never did anything for us. So he deserves the discomfort and the work of moving and dealing with the commute. In some ways it makes more sense for me to move out. I can work from anywhere and I’m the one who asked for this separation in the first place.

There are silly considerations, like all the nice things we bought together that one of us won’t get to enjoy. But that doesn’t feel silly really. I put him through medical school. I worked so hard so that he could get here and now I have to move into a shitty apartment and keep paying for him to live here? He’s never even home.

But the bigger and more pressing consideration is what this all means for our future. The idea for a separation is to not have to make these decisions right now, but these logistics are forcing our hand. If I move out, aren’t I giving up on our relationship? Isn’t that like me saying I’m ready to move on and make a life for myself elsewhere? I know it may come to that, but I’m not there yet. I don’t want to move on.

But I’m also not ready to reconcile. As convenient as it would be to just start working things out now and working together towards a better marriage, I’m just not there. I’m too hurt. I’m too mad. And I’m still unconvinced that we even can reconcile. The problems we have are very real and whether or not we can get past them enough to find a happy marriage is yet to be seen.

I’m worried the discomfort of this time will force us to do something that we’ll regret.

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