I left North Carolina early. I wanted desperately to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law. But, they’re so happy. And all of the sudden I was this pathetic, unhappy person who couldn’t stand to be around this happy couple. Even though I genuinely want these two to have deep happiness. It was quite literally painful to be around. They are not even an obnoxious kind of couple. It was just so clear that they lived a life where they both cared for each other. They are a team. And it’s something I want so bad. I’ve been the mother and manager and caregiving for so long I had forgotten what true team work looked like.
After dinner with my brother and sister-in-law, I ducked out for an hours long nap. I couldn’t even be normal with the other guests. I wanted to be around them. But I couldn’t. I needed to be alone and sleep.
There is a lot of that going around now. I want to be alone and I want to sleep with only the occasional break to eat.. But I still have to work and care for S and maintain the appearance that I’m am handling this all so well..
Good thing I’ve recently acquired 2 pairs of black pants. It’s time to live that All Black Everything life,