Harder than I thought

Today was harder than I anticipated. Before the separation, I was looking at yet another Thanksgiving planned by me but a the whim of Spouse, who can barely get it together enough to learn what his work hours might be in advance. It would have been miserable. Our time together of late was disconnected and routine and devoid of much love are caring.

I didn’t miss him today, I didn’t even want to be with him. But he sent me photos and videos of S (our dog) at his family’s Thanksgiving. And somehow, it just made me angry. I was angry I wasn’t there. I was angry things got so fucked up that I didn’t want to be there. I got angry that I couldn’t be with my dog and that I don’t trust my husband. But just below the surface of anger is hurt and sadness and those quickly swept in.

I spent midday crying in the bathtub. How did this happen to us? Why did this happen to us?

I think there are a lot of reasons and we’re just now beginning to look at them. I Facetimed him after my bath. The conversation was actually useful. We both have a lot of pain, anger, and personal issues to sort through. Whether or not that will happen and we can reconcile, I’m not sure. But I feel calmer that we’re at least on the same page now.

It’s the right thing and navigating it for now is a day by day task. But today really really sucked.

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